Of Talks and Traumatization
by xXMoStIlLoGiCaLXx
Summary: Burt decides to take on the much dreaded task of giving his son The Talk.


Burt Hummel glanced down at the notepad in his hands where hastily scribbled notes resided, reminding him of the task he was about to do. Shaking his head, he exhaled heavily.

Maybe the notes were a bit much. _I know the stuff after all, _he thought to himself. But in the case of his son, things were admittedly a bit different. That's where the research and the subsequent notes came in.

Burt groaned. _Oh God, the research..._

While he definitely understood the physical reactions involved, he didn't really know all that much-or anything at all-about sex between two males. He had no desire to know; the thought made his stomach churn. But Burt wanted his son to have the knowledge he needed to be safe, so he had put aside his own incredible discomfort and hit the search engines.

Finally, after a few unsuccessful attempts that left him wanting to run screaming from the computer, he found the information he needed. Or at least enough to give him a general idea of what went on, which was more than he ever wished to know.

Deciding he was as ready as he would ever be and it was time to bite the bullet, he walked over to the top of the stairs that lead to his son's room. He opened the door and some showtune he didn't recognize softly greeted his ears.

"Kurt," he called down the stairs, "come up here for a minute. I need to talk to you."

After hearing a vague "...be there in a second, Dad" from his son, he headed back to the living room, still clutching the notepad in his hands.

His stomach began to roll as he thought of the upcoming conversation, but he steeled himself, knowing it had to be done. It was for Kurt's good, after all, and he would do anything for his son.

A moment later, Kurt strolled into the living room eyeing him questioningly.

"Have a seat," he said, trying to think of how to start.

Kurt sat primly in the over-sized chair adjacent to him. "What exactly do you want to talk about, Dad?"

Deciding that he should just go for the direct route, Burt inhaled deeply, preparing himself. "Kurt, I've been needing to discuss this with you for a while, but I let my discomfort get the better of me so I kept putting it off. The fact is, son, you're a young man now and you're growing up more everyday. That being said, I know there are so many things kids your age have to deal with, and with the excess of hormones-"

"Oh God," Kurt groaned, cutting him off mid-sentence. Horror was fast becoming apparent on his son's paling face. "Dad, are you trying to give me _the talk?_"

He gave his son a pointed look. Kurt said "the talk" as if the words were the vilest he'd ever spoken. "I"-he cleared his throat awkwardly-"yes, I am, Kurt, and it's very important. So sit tight and _listen_ because this isn't exactly the most comfortable thing I've ever done."

Kurt's cheeks flushed vaguely as he gave his father an incredulous look. "Dad, I've been to health class, you know. They explain every morbid detail whether you desire to hear it or otherwise. I don't really need a re-cap," he stated matter-of-factly, and started to stand up.

"Sit back down, Kurt, I'm not finished yet." Kurt reluctantly sank back down into the chair, eyeing Burt as if he were about to bite him. He understood his son's trepidation, remembering his own horrific talk, but it had to be done. "The talk isn't supposed to be given by some stranger who doesn't really care. _I'm_ supposed to give you the 411, okay?"

Giving a small, force-sounding laugh, Kurt shook his head. "Actually, Dad, it's a lot better when someone you don't know gives it. It cuts down on the awkwardness exponentially."

Well, be that as it may, son, you and I are going to have this discussion, awkward or not. Now"-he paused, gazing down at the notepad briefly-"I'd like to point out that you shouldn't even consider having sex until you're completely and emotionally sure."

He leveled an intense look at his rapidly cringing child. "No matter _what _your hormones dictate, sex is _not _just a fun pasttime or activity. It's a very intimate, meaningful act meant to be shared between two people in love who are committed to each other."

Kurt held his hands up in mock surrender. "Whoa, Dad, I know this. You don't have to worry about that with me, okay. I'm smarter than that."

Burt gave his son a small grin. "I know you are, kid," he assured. "But I also remember what it's like to be your age and it's not always a simple task to say 'No' to your urges."

"Now," he said, cringing internally, "there are so many diseases going around nowadays that you have to be _extra_ careful. According to my research-"

"Research?" Kurt was gaping open-mouthed at him.

Burt cocked an eyebrow in response to his son's shocked tone. "_Yes_, Kurt. There were a few things I wasn't exactly, uh, _clear_ on, so I looked it up."

"Oh God, no," he moaned, burying his burning face into his hands. "This can't be happening. I'm dreaming..." he mumbled through his fingers.

Ignoring Kurt's comments, he decided to continue on. The sooner this was over, the better. Burt cleared his throat. "As I was saying, according to my research"-he looked down at his notes-"since pregnancy is not a factor, many sexually active homosexuals don't practice safe sex. A condom should be worn each and every time."

Kurt was chanting a mantra of "No, no, no, no..." under his breath, his eyes comically wide. He looked as if he were one sex fact away from bolting and never returning.

"Condoms should not just be worn during penetrative sex," Burt quoted from his notepad, "prophylactics are necessary even for oral sex. Diseases can be contracted from both acts and it's always important to protect yourself as many of them are potentially fatal." Burt finished his spiel, his own cheeks becoming hot as he sat his notepad down.

Kurt apparently had had enough and was standing to his feet. "Dad, please, this is _not_ necessary," he pleaded. "I know that you worry about me, and I really appreciate you taking the time to do this. I know this is just as embarrassing for you as it is for me. But really, I wasn't exaggerating when I said I already knew everything I need to know. And when the time comes and I'm ready to take that step, I _will_ be safe, Dad, okay?"

Sighing, Burt gazed up at his son's ever-changing eyes, and nodded. "I know you will be, you're a very smart young man. I just...worry. A lot."

Kurt smiled comfortingly and patted his knee encouragingly. "It's okay, Dad. I'm pretty sure worrying is part of the parenting process. So, are we done with the traumatization for the day?" he asked hopefully.

Burt reckoned that he'd put Kurt-_and himself_-through enough embarrassment for the day. And he was satisfied that his son would take the appropriate steps to ensure his safety when the time came. Though he really, really hoped that day was a long while off. "Yeah, kid, I think we've covered enough today."

Figuring that they needed a definite change of subject, Burt stood up and slung his arm around his son's shoulders, steering him in the way of the kitchen. "So what do you want for supper?"

Giving him a happy, relieved smile, Kurt loped to the refrigerator babbling on about food choices that were nearly unpronounceable. Burt sat down at the kitchen table, watching his son's excitement, and feeling thankful that they both made it through the sex talk with minimum mental scarring.

Life was good. That is, until Kurt inevitably got a boyfriend and the worrying started all over again...


End file.
